This one is moist

Thursday, August 31, 2006

In which two nine-year old boys wax philosophical:

LB: The place I'd second-most like to visit is Toiletville.

Friend: Haha!

LB: The place I'd most like to visit is heaven.

Friend: Aren't they the same place?

LB: In heaven they give you a harp.

Friend: And a bow and arrow.

LB: No, they don't.

Friend: Oh, wait. They give you the bow and arrow in hell.

LB: No, in hell they give you an accordion.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 8:09 PM

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Reasons I flew United Airlines for the first time ever:

1) Southwest Airlines says its prices are so low, you don't NEED a bereavement fare.

2) Delta Airlines apologizes, but says they don't offer bereavement fares between Los Angeles and Louisville.

Reasons I won't connect at O'Hare ever again:

1) Flight delays to the point of absurdity.

2) Multiple gate changes across different concourses.

3) Only one snack stand stocked with Diet Mt. Dew.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 7:11 PM

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

As always, the harsh reality is that the sun keeps shining and the world keeps spinning, no matter what happens in your life.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 4:29 PM

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Treat Williams...

# posted by Scooter Deb : 10:21 PM

Monday, August 21, 2006

Yeah, so if you're driving in LA and your iPod is hooked up to your car stereo and you've got the winders rolled down and Iggy Pop is Nightclubbin', you should probably take it off the "Shuffle Songs" setting.

Because then, when you're at a light and Alison Krauss comes on with her Fast Fiddle and Banjo Tune, everyone in all the surrounding cars will look knowingly at your Kentucky license plates and pity the poor tourist.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 4:41 PM

Sunday, August 20, 2006

It seemed like a good day for some Geocaching, so a friend and I walked out to see if we could find a new one that had been placed at the end of our street. While we DID locate N 33° 59.132 W 118° 28.381, we had constant company and couldn't look for the hidden item in question. We left and went to the end of Venice Pier to watch the sunset and then came back to the cache site.

My friend was very excited, as this was his first find ever!

# posted by Scooter Deb : 9:28 PM

The Loud Stereo Neighbor was at it again this morning. Maybe his hearing has gone and that's why he needs to turn up the volume on his Freddie Mercury Tribute CD.

He was standing outside when the police showed up. Since my door was open, I got to hear the exchange.

LSN: Too loud?

Cop #1: Your stereo is too loud.

LSN: {incomprehensible monologue that sounds like it might be English}

Cop #2: Er, you need to turn down the volume on your stereo, sir.

LSN: {garbled Liverpudlian rant}

Cop #1: Thank you.

As the officers walked back past my door:

Cop #1: I couldn't understand a word he said. What was that?

Cop #2: Maybe he's Irish.

Cop #1: He could be a member of the IRA.

Me: ...

# posted by Scooter Deb : 12:34 PM

Friday, August 18, 2006

Marukan and I saw a large sign that said, "Fabulous Fiber Fest", so we thought we'd investigate.

We were briefly disappointed to discover that the Civic Auditorium wasn't hosting a Metamucil convention. Instead, we found a lot of ladies and alpacas wearing handmade clothes. I'm guessing the alpacas didn't weave those bandanas themselves.

The weaving demonstration ladies lured Marukan over with promises of loom magic and told her she had a natural touch. She's crafty like that. After trying out three different looms, Marukan noted that she would've been the weaving Chill Master in the 17th century.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 4:19 PM

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Outside on the street, a woman in a Mercedes SUV was yelling at a man in a window. Nonstop for twenty minutes, she called out a string of obscenities at him while carrying on a cell phone conversation about him. She colorfully told him and the person on the other end of the pink Razr phone {and everyone else on the block, since we'd all gathered 'round to watch - better than television!} all the ways in which he'd wronged her. Some of these ways included:

- Being a crossdressing cokehead
- Driving their son around with that ugly bitch new girlfriend of his
- Wearing panties and making her paint his toenails
- Burning out a hole in his nose from constant coke snorting
- Failing to give her more money
- Refusing to answer her phone calls

The last thing I heard her say was, "The PO-leece are here. I'ma hafta call you back."

Footnote 1: The police weren't called by any of the bystanders, but by the man in the window.
Footnote 2: The police who showed up weren't the same officers who busted up the U2 concert last night.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 9:47 PM

Last night the neighbor two doors down decided to blast the extended dance version of Born Slippy. Nice. That song must last for 27 minutes.

He should've put down the bong right then, because his next decision would cause him to enter a world of pain. That's right, people. He put {brace yourselves} U2 in the CD player and turned it up to eleven. I vacuumed through most of the CD, then took a nap and completely missed the local police showing up at his door and giving him a friendly tap on the door with their nightsticks to remind him he lives in an apartment complex with other people who don't share his musical tastes.

They didn't bust him for having an apartment that smells like Otto's jacket, though.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 4:43 PM

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I still can't decide.

If one MUST have gastrointestinal issues, is vomiting preferable to diarrhea?

# posted by Scooter Deb : 2:31 PM

Monday, August 14, 2006

A co-worker just got back from a three-week trip to Italy. Here's what we've learned about this foreign country so far:

1) There's a nine hour time difference. So, it's probably morning there. Or winter.

2) There are no avocados in the entire country. You can't order one at a restaurant, and you can't buy one in the marketplace. All food choices suffer from the lack of this luscious fruit. They probably don't have avocado trees because it's winter all the time. Or morning.

3) You couldn't order steak and eggs even if your life depended on it. Even in the winter.

4) They just don't have the same kind of breakfast standards we're used to around here. You can only order breakfast in the morning. Or in winter.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 5:18 PM

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Tech tips of the day:

Tip #1 - When deciding to install updates on your iBook (and I'm sure this goes for any sort of laptop in general), don't forget to connect the computer to an external power source before you walk away from it and go to bed for the night. This tip is especially handy in the event that your battery is only charged up to 34%, because what will happen is that the whole system will die RIGHT AS the critical security update is installing and you will cry because your iBook won't boot and you never backed anything up and it's all your own fault that you've lost years worth of saved YouTube videos and you're convinced you'll never see the Ma Ya Hi guy again.

Tip #2 - Keep at least 3 GB of space free on your hard drive, so that when you are finally able to talk someone in to "loaning" you a copy of OS X, you can reinstall your operating system without wrecking all the stuff you thought you'd lost forever.

Oh, sweet Numa Numa!

# posted by Scooter Deb : 10:25 PM

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

My brother suggested I do the following:

1) Walk to the end of Venice Pier
2) Drink margaritas
3) Watch the sunset
4) Relax for twenty minutes

Being a great multi-tasker, I managed to combine all four of these activities in one fell swoop.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 9:57 PM

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Co-Worker: How are you feeling?

Me: Shredded.

Co-Worker: But your hair looks fantastic.

Me: That's all that matters, innit?

# posted by Scooter Deb : 8:10 PM

Monday, August 07, 2006

Today I learned the difference between customer service standards here and customer service standards at the Computer Store.

At the Computer Store, when hysterical people would call and complain about all sorts of nothing, I had to listen patiently, then attempt to resolve their "problem". Or at least try to come up with some compromise that would make them happy once they hung up the phone.

This afternoon, I got one of those calls. I listened patiently and then offered to let the caller speak with someone "in charge". I passed the call to my co-worker, who then proceeded to berate the caller for being "a nutjob".

Nice!

# posted by Scooter Deb : 6:46 PM

Friday, August 04, 2006

Not many people know this, but Wage is a big Nascar fan.

# posted by Scooter Deb : 10:27 PM